In time, forced to be someone I was not, by manipulation, coercion, rejection, ostracization, even abuse and violence, a deep-seated, unacknowledged anger formed into a mountain until my true self found it could only live in the shadows of that mountain.
Personal relationships came and went, sometimes like meandering streams, eventually drying up or like flash floods that overwhelmed, in the valley where I mostly resided.
Business relationships, on the other hand, provided glimpses of what it was like to live in the light rather than in the shadows. Highly adept at organization, logic, practicality, and creativity employers and I discovered my natural ability to see things differently and to feel things more deeply than most people. Saving businesses and non-profit organizations money because of my inherent problem-solving drive and skills increased revenues by my modifying or developing new processes.
Working well on my own, or minimally with others, resulted in more ventures up the mountain to stand in the light resulting from above average successes and occasionally even some accolades.
Unaware consciously of how my natural talents were being exploited instead of fairly compensated, a deeper part of me inherently knew they were because the anger mountain kept growing. Longer and more taxing was the climb out of the valley and often I did not even want to make the journey regardless of what was promised because the rewards offered were no longer enough. The years of unacknowledged and unhealed wounds also pushed the mountain higher to the sky and me deeper into the valley’s darkness.
For much of my life, I did not know two important things about myself. First, my personality type is projected to fall within five to eight percent of the population. Secondly, not knowing this and the qualities of my personality type, meant I not only felt bad about myself for not being like most people I knew, most people I knew did not respect or appreciate my differences and acted accordingly, often belittling, bullying, rejecting, abusing, and even violently harming me, when they were not exploiting me and my talents.
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) occurs after a single or a series of traumatic events that debilitates a person’s normal functioning. Disempowering PTSD results from conscious efforts to overcome the trauma’s impact, but first the trauma must be recognized. We have come to understand and appreciate that military, policing, and emergency responder personnel often suffer from PTSD. Thankfully though, we are increasingly becoming aware of how much trauma anyone can experience in a world filled with a lot of hurt, angry people that often lash out at others. Hurting people seek to end their pain in many ways … running away, addictions, irresponsibility, and harming others … all with the intent, often subconscious, to share or block out their own pain for a period of time … some to the point of even committing acts that will result in someone else, such as the police, a train, etc. ending their pain by forcing others to take their lives for them.
My personality type’s strong-willed, independent character and athleticism transformed into a defiant character, compelling me to often walk or run away, though for awhile, especially in my late childhood and early teens, I fought back physically. As trauma upon trauma piled up inside, adding new height to the mountain, leaving and running became my new normal. Defiance raged on the inside, though as I grew older I did my best to curtail outbursts, some public, but mostly private, after discovering ways I could quietly inflict pain back to the people hurting me. Admittedly though, collateral damage resulted.
Decades later, I have finally connected all the dots and learned what unconditional love is, plus have developed the courage to not settle for less anything than the love that nurtures instead of harms.
Today is Good Friday, the day Jesus Christ, willingly gave up his life, enduring great pain to do so, out of love for his Father … and for us. I mention this here and now because until now, I have not felt or experienced the unconditional love I discovered God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit have for me. Now, trusting God, rather than just trusting myself, I know one day I will experience unconditional love with a husband and with the team who will join me in transforming respect from something some people decide some people are worth to a global principle that affirms every life is to be valued … respected … simply for being a life … regardless of how different a life is from us.
Now, isn’t that the unconditional gift you want also for your loved ones and for yourself? If so, please consider sharing this post to reach out to someone you sense may need to believe in more than what they do.
KAITLIN ANN TREPANIER
Specialist Writer Speaker Social Entrepreneur Founder and President
of Connecting The Dots With The Respect Principle
Smashwords interview @ www.smashwords.com
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April 10, 2020