The Love Letter Never Sent
Words left unsaid or unwritten have a habit of preventing people from truly moving on. And over the years, people I told about you encouraged me to let go and move on, but I knew they did not really know what I needed to do to process the best and most positive experience and relationship I ever had in my life, so I am writing this letter filled with love for you because it will do one of two things … provide you with the understanding you perhaps need and want to forgive my mistakes and bad behaviour so we can start anew now … or if that does not happen, to provide me with the closure I need to move on and open my heart to the possibility of love with someone else, which has not been possible for me to without writing this letter … because automatically I compare everyone to you.
So here goes Steve …
In my case, what I could not say to you was not because it was not truth, but because of the multiple traumas I experienced, the unhealed wounds, and the absolute terror of loving one as deeply as I did and still do you. My previous experiences with love were conditional, manipulative, controlling, belittling, abusive, sometimes violent, and overall eventually hurtful. A lot of what I experienced was a result of ignorance. Most people I knew or met were more like the majority of people, of which I am not. It turns out that my personality type is very unusual and as a result, is often misunderstood, as is my learning and communication styles, and what people don’t identify with, understand, or like, they can easily disregard or worse.
When I met you, worked with you, and hung out with you over several years, I carefully observed how you treated others as well as me. Experiencing being treated thoughtfully, respectfully, and with unfamiliar tenderness, beyond my initial attraction to you, compelled me to fall deeper and deeper in love with you. Over time, I also realized what I felt was not just a physical attraction, but something more powerful than I ever experienced. I knew our souls were deeply connected because my spirit rejoiced whenever I saw you and/or spent time with you. And for several years, your actions reaffirmed you felt the same.
By the time we met, I had already begun a transformational personal journey to heal and reclaim my true identity and though others around me did not like the changes happening nor valued the real me, you did. You made me feel cherished for the first time since I was a child. I wanted to be near you because being near you felt so good. I wanted your eyes on me and I wanted to wear dresses for you because, unlike with other males, you were appreciative and respectful, rather than forward, lewd, and/or aggressive. You appreciated the whole me, not just my body and it was a wonderful experience.
I loved that I knew it was you walking through the warehouse door rather than someone else. I loved that you used that door more than the other door so you could see me too. I loved that seeing you made me smile inside and out and I loved that other people saw the same in you and even said so. I loved that the one slow dance we shared even though I don’t even recall the song that was playing. All I recall is how the world slipped away when you put your hands on me and glided us across the dance floor. And when you took my hand to walk me over to your table, the electric shock took my breath away and my heart ripped when your hand let go of mine.
There were complications in both our lives and for the first time in my life, I did not even act professional on the job at times. For the first time, my life-preserver, self control, went haywire. I was afraid to lose you, yet also afraid to love you. I did not think I could take one more hit as I was trying to climb out of a pit of despair and desperation I had slid into.
So, acting badly and leaving were the only things I could do to save myself. And even when I reached out, at the same I pulled back, sometimes, as you know, even lashing out with unkind angry words because of the depth of my pain, some caused by you, but mostly by other people before you or people who seemed to be jealous of how much I loved you.
I even tried to forget and erase everything about you, but try as I might, there you always are. I will be reminded of you when I see Gary Cooper, Kevin Costner, or Paul Walker on the screen, not just because of their blue eyes, but because of their character. I will see a Ferrari or Suzuki and I see you. And on and on it goes every day … still.
Healing has taken a long time because of the traumas and repitition of traumas I experienced, plus my burying most of the traumas inside rather than processing them that would heal and transform how I interact with the world. Some experts are even surprised that I have healed at all, which is one reason I returned to believing in God because He has healed me in ways I could not or in ways no one else had been successful at either.
So my dearest forever friend, the most sexiest beautiful man to me, and my belowed, I write this letter for both of us and am posting it publicly because I have developed healthy boundaries that respects your privacy rights, inhibiting me from mailing this letter to you personally. And though I know some people will not approve of my choice to publicly share my thoughts and feelings, it is my choice and my calling to share what might help others and to also reserve the right to keep private what I do not wish to share and the privacy of other people too.
What happens next is in your and God’s hands. I have done what I could by sharing in this letter what I believe might be helpful to you, and perhaps to others, so you can understand what I could not put into words before … at the beach or anywhere else … until now. My hope is you will call at least once more to share your heart and soul along with your truth … whatever it is. After that, I will look forward to seeing you again to see where it might take us or I will finally close that door of hope and trust God with the rest of all my life, including who is going to be there with me on the next phase of my life.
As for what’s been done, I know what it is like to have been hurt deeply, so I am truly sorry for the discomfort and pain I caused you and anyone else. I pray for great joy, peace, and love to fill your life as it increasingly fills mine. Whatever course our lives take, separate or together, please know my love for you will always burn warmly and brightly in my heart Steve because you were the one person who lit my way when I was stumbling in the dark. And in retrospect, I also know God used you to reach me to transform all the bad into good as He has, for which I will always be eternally grateful because each of you played key roles in saving and restoring my life so I wanted you to know that too. Thank you.
With love always,
June 15, 2020
KAITLIN ANN TREPANIER
Specialist, Writer, Speaker, Social Entrepreneur, Founder and President
Connecting The Dots With The Respect Principle
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June 15, 2020