A Shared Perspective … “How Not to Care When People Don’t Like You”

Article by Rebecca Fishbein for Lifehacker on Pocket February 6, 2019

https://getpocket.com/explore/item/how-not-to-care-when-people-don-t-like-youhttps://getpocket.com/explore/item/how-not-to-care-when-people-don-t-like-you

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When we realize not everyone has to like us for us to be okay, we are freed to be the unique person we are. We are also empowered to develop healthy relationships with people who do like us, encourage us, support us, and overall, accept us for who we are … and vice versa.

KAITLIN ANN TREPANIER

Advocate Educator Writer Social Entrepreneur & Founder

Connecting The Dots With The Respect Principle

Smashwords interview @  www.smashwords.com

© All Rights Reserved 2014-2019 

February 8, 2019

 

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“SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL” … Not Just A Movie, But A Movie With An Empowering One Liner

I missed “Some Kind of Wonderful” movie’s release in 1987. In fact, I didn’t see the film until several years later, though I wished I had seen the movie in 1987 as many changes were taking place in my life at that time.

Warning … the next bit could be a spoiler alert if you have not yet seen the film.

Since my teen years were not normal teen years, a drop out at sixteen to marry, I did not experience the high school socialization process, be that a bad or a good thing. Regardless watching films about the high school and college years have helped me to see life differently.

When I finally did see Howard Deutch’s “Some Kind of Wonderful” film I was struck by many things, but particularly the phrase, “I would rather be alone for the right reasons then with someone for the wrong reasons.”

Pow! A truth I had been grappling with over the years was finally conveyed with such clarity, my choices to leave people were finally validated.

Not how I left them  though because I was still tainted by young experiences that had scarred my emotional intelligence deeply, leaving me challenged in all of my personal and professional relationships.

For years I did not understand why at an early age, business owners and managers put me in supervisory and junior management roles, but not higher.

Because of how I have been seeking to understand, change, and grow past my history to stop repeating patterns and mistakes, I even contacted the last business owner I worked for who promoted  me from a part-time seasonal merchandiser to a salaried full-time role.

One of the things he wrote back was something like, “I didn’t understand what happened to you. You had so much potential.”

Now, I had heard that from my parents and a few high school folks before I quit, but after that no one really explained or maybe they tried, but my defensiveness blocked my hearing their good intentions.

But when he wrote back with his words, I knew what he meant. I did not go into a lot of detail, but told him when I was working for his company, I was going through a very difficult time, including a divorce, leaving someone I knew I should not be with in order to just be with someone.

This fact was driven home in me because at that company I met someone who altered my view on what being close to someone could be … should be like.

I would like to say the friendship turned into more, but I had a lot of learning and healing to do. Before I saw “Some Kind of Wonderful” I was just beginning to grasp it truly is better, for everyone, for a person to be alone for the right reasons than being with a person or people for the wrong reasons.

And I have learned this applies not just to our closest relationship with a person, but also applies to those we choose to let in to our inner circles … our personal and our professional circles.

The beauty of that one-line of wisdom in “Some Kind of Wonderful” is when we make the choice to be alone for the right reasons, we set ourselves on a path to discover who we really are BEFORE committing ourselves to a relationship because we learn also how to be alone … which prepares us to really be with someone for all the right reasons.

July 3, 2018

KAITLIN ANN TREPANIER

Human/Animal Rights Activist Social Scientist Founder Entrepreneur Author Artist

Connecting The Dots With The Respect Principle

©All Rights Reserved 2014

 

 

 

 

Forced to Stay in a Relationship Because …

Getting into a relationship is easy because most of us want the dream of the relationship being “The” relationship of our lifetime … that will last a lifetime.

But unfortunately, desire for “The” relationship clouds our best judgment and what should have been “The” relationship results instead in yet another learning experience … one difficult to walk away from, especially if we have grown accustomed to a lifestyle the combined finances generated.

Separation is the acknowledgement change needs to happen, yet with a separation hope remains; however, with the receipt of the divorce papers, the finality sinks in, along with having to deal with the financial ramifications … the “who gets what” scenario many dread … even if we know the change really is the best decision.

But what if you were forced into a relationship you did not want to have? What if your country was overtaken by another? Another who used violence to take what belonged to you? And what if over time, you still desired your freedom, but did not want violence to be the catalyst of change? What if you desperately wanted out of a relationship you never wanted or asked for … even if over time you were treated decently? Would you still feel like a prisoner … a slave to another person’s desires versus yours?

If so, what would the answer be?

One person walking away from another, even with children involved, is one thing and challenging enough to emotions, minds, and finances … so what about a portion of country’s citizens who want a divorce but are denied because the majority rules? Even if that majority is only a small percentage higher than those who want the divorce?

If democracy is about freedom, does that freedom not apply to all people in a country? And if the country is built on the premise of freedom, then isn’t it the country’s responsibility to figure out the details of the country’s separation so eventually enough of the details will be resolved, by people with high enough Respect Levels, who know that keeping people from their freedom of choice and punishing them for their choice is counterproductive to their nation’s welfare, in order for both parties to go their own ways and build new lives … and nations with people who want to be where they are?

Twice divorced, once from a marriage less than a month after turning sixteen (not pregnant … just running from situations I did not know how to deal with effectively) and once from a marriage of nineteen years after my true self started to emerge, which replaced the chameleon I had become to try to be what people wanted to be accepted, liked and even loved, I know from experience of what I write.

What compelled me to leave both was my desire for freedom … but not freedom to be wild and unrestrained … but freedom to discover who I really was … and to be who I really was and to be with people who valued … respected me for me. The quest achieved many years later, freedom is a gift I longed for my whole life and now I know how to be me, I can once again consider marriage again because this time I will go into the marriage as me … and my husband will know at the beginning who I am and he will think I am cool and will not desire to change or restrain me by his beliefs … and nor will I him.

Inspired by the week’s events, I write this in the wake of Scotland’s referendum … 55% wanted to stay … 45% wanted out of a relationship they never had a choice about. There was no victory because victory is not victory if it is about oppressing people. Instead the numbers reveal much work has yet to be done in raising Respect Levels in the nation, just like Canada has to with regards to its province of Quebec citizens, who desire their freedom also, and other countries too around the world who desire to be freed from the various kinds and levels of oppression.

Democracy has to grow with the awareness that keeping people prisoners, no matter how kindly, is still preventing freedom. And countries filled with discontent, need to work on the plans of how to fairly split the nation and resources. Not a quick fix, but a process that will in time, free those held prisoner, even if only in their hearts and minds, yet will also free the oppressors from roles and responsibilities that have become unnecessary and obsolete, plus foster discord and strife.

Of course, as with any divorce, especially when children are involved, people have to learn to accept change is inevitable and what has come to pass is often not about them, but about everybody … and everyone has to work together to create something new out of something old … being hurt, resentful, angry, and even vengeful will only make the pain worse, plus will cloud judgment on how to best move forward for all people’s sake.

Living is all about change. Change will happen regardless of how much we fight to keep things the same and history proves the more we try to keep people imprisoned, in any way, at some point they will more than just disagree … they will fight for what they believe is right … their freedom to choose. A higher level Respect Level world will recognize this natural progression and will develop ways to adapt to the pressing changes … including shifting borders and signing divorce papers of a once unified nation.

September 20, 2014

Kaitlin Ann Trepanier
The RESPECT SPECIALIST

Connecting the Dots … with The RESPECT PRINCIPLE
author and altruistic entrepreneur … because every child … every person … should know, by their own experience, they are valued … RESPECTED. ©

You pick … Putin, Napolean, Hitler, Caesar … from the history of “takers”

Taking what is not yours shows the disrespect you have for life … others and yours.

Taking by violent force what is not yours reveals the violence in your heart.

What was done to you, is what you do … until you know better … until you finally believe that you are valuable all on your own, without what you own defining you.

All the countries, people and possessions you think you own, in fact own you because you need them to feel valued … respected in a world still unconsciously driven by the Disrespect Philosophy where we are taught none of us are valuable unless someone or some group says we are by meeting their standards, qualifications, expectations …

When you finally stand in the truth of who you are as a unique individual with a high RESPECT LEVEL, you will no longer need to possess what is not yours, but instead will take the best care of your own self … and in that way, you will serve … and as a result … receive as a gift what you desire … instead of having to steal what is not yours to have.

March 26, 2014

Kaitlin A. Trepanier
http://www.kaitlinatrepanier.com

All Rights Reserved by DARK HORSES PRODUCTIONS/KAITLIN A. TREPANIER … CREATIVE WRITER, ADVOCATE, and PROJECT SPECIALIST responsible for the creation of the global initiative Connecting the Dots … with The RESPECT PRINCIPLE … because every child … every person … should know, by their own experience, they are valued … RESPECTED.

Seeing past personality types, learning styles, body types and beliefs … to see and swim a new way.

We are complex creatures and not one of us is the same as another. Even identical twins have differences although not necessarily obvious to the eye.

Knowing this fact, accepting this reality, can be the compelling reason for us to consider, and put into practice, the fresh perspective that will serve us all well to see past personality types, learning styles, body types and our unique blend of beliefs is to operate on one universal principle.

Of course, the ideal is love … unconditional love, but as evidenced by our past and present, just the idea of valuing … respecting each unique person is a tall order in our global culture of Disrespect. The taller order is actually learning how to respect … to value all life in our words and actions … every day … in all our relationships, connections and interactions.

A simple example of how we struggle with this idea and simply resort to our conditioned response of prejudice is what I have experienced with a personal goal: the process of changing my swimming style.

Water has pulled me into its depths all my life. As a child, I spent hours on the river’s edge and within no time at all, following my Dad’s example, my child’s body was slicing through the green water to cross to the other side of the river. Though I have been told I did not take well to the public swimming pool and provided lessons, my swimming skills demonstrate I nonetheless did learn different swim strokes as well as the basics of diving, but it was only recently I discovered my swimming style was called the Tarzan stroke.

For known and unknown reasons, my swimming style meant I kept my head lifted out and above the water. One of the known reasons, though not entirely understood why, was to stop water from going up my nose. Yet diving is one of my favorite aspects of swimming.

In fact, one year, after a tumultuous period of my life, I even taught myself how to swan dive. Till then, I had never learned successfully how to use a spring diving board, so learning how to swan dive meant observing all users of spring boards and of course, especially the children, with their lack of fear and their bold fun who taught me to just let go and get comfortable with falling in the water in all kinds of ways; which also meant letting to of what people thought of a grown woman flopping into a pool as I grew accustomed to being out of control, so I could gain more trust in the process to achieve my goal.

In one winter season, my unconventional learning style did result in my ability to spring my body high into the air with arms spread wide and legs pulled together in proper form before my arms returned to their entry position as my body curved and sliced the pool’s surface. Sometimes on my entries my body was more rolled than straight and into an underwater somersault my body would roll. Sometimes my body was so straight and pointed, down to the bottom my arrowed body would rush. And sometimes, my body would have just enough of a curve to take me down so far but then gracefully sweep me back up to the surface. Even without a camera, I knew I was successful in completing my goal because of the response from observers, including the lifeguards.

A few years ago when I moved back to the home of my late teens and twenties where one of the greatest bodies of water, Lake Huron, once challenged and strengthened my swimming abilities, I soon realized how much I had let my swimming strength diminish. Upon my return, I also discovered one of the newer challenges I wanted to experience, surfing, is becoming a growing popular sport at the town’s main beach because of the dynamics of the breakwall, piers and currents.

A significant water level drop since I owned property south of the town’s border and even south of the area known as Boiler Beach has resulted in significant lake changes, including rip currents that develop in between sandbars and beside piers; rip currents that can thrust even an accomplished swimmer across the surface of the water in seconds, leaving them disoriented and if not wise in the ways of these sometimes volatile waters, stranded in deep water, exhausted from fighting the water’s stronger force. Safe swimming, as well as surfing and any other water activity, is now best-managed by learning how rip currents work, how to get out of their often frightening grasp, more safety strategies and tools, plus stronger swimming skills for this great lake.

For me, stronger swimming skills translates into face-in-the water comfort by learning to swim the crawl as opposed to wasting energy trying to keep myself alive by keeping my head above water at all times by swimming the energy-zapping Tarzan stroke. Changing a fifty-year style of swimming has not been easy or as quick as some would hope … especially people with different personality types, learning styles, body types and beliefs.

As a result of a lot of personal work, I know me very well these days and that includes the recognition none of the above … personality types, learning style, body types and even beliefs are the same as the majority. First, many people like constant attention while learning. In contrast, I excel when I gather new information and then go off on my own to practice and experiment because someone constantly talking at me is a distraction to me, but welcomed by other personality types. When I need more information, I come back for more, taking all the pieces and working on them individually before I start integrating them. For example, two of the biggest challenges I faced was getting used to putting my face horizontal in the water and learning how to breathe as I lifted my face partially out of the water, first to the right and eventually also to the left. Changing my kick from a thrust to a constant flutter meant developing the muscles in my hips and legs in new ways. Then there were the goggles, the bathing cap, getting the arm strokes coordinated with the breathing and the face in the water plus the new style of kick, etc.

Knowing what I know about my personality type, learning style and even body type, I should have known better than to take lessons in a big class with so many swimmers who, as it turns out, already swim the way I was there to learn how to do.

So, after two classes, I took the information provided, did some research of my own and started swimming on my own, breaking down old habits and instilling new ones, which, of course is taking time, though in truth it has only been a few months. Still, I find several people are quick to share their opinions about what I am doing wrong even though they know nothing about me other than what they see in their mind snapshots of my swimming endeavors.

Yet I know, if observers do not have the same personality type as I they will not understand how I work well on my own, breaking down big pictures into the details in order to construct a new big picture. They will not know that my body type is first a sprinter, excelling in activities that require quick and short bursts of great speed and that in order for me to become an endurance performer, I first have to train my body and mind with how it works best … using my natural speed with an element at a time until I can bring all the elements together quickly … in a flash, so I can experience what the new way of swimming I am striving for feels like … so I can build that feeling into my endurance training and goals.

“You swim too fast, your head is not deep enough in the water, you need a camera with video to watch your form,” are just some of the comments and suggestions I have heard, albeit, no doubt with good intentions, but yet at the same time this experience greatly demonstrates how we like, prefer even, everyone to be like us … to do as we do, to act as we act, to think as we think, to learn as we learn … and yet, no matter how much we may try, we are not like anyone else … and never will be without losing our own identity. We, each of us, are unique combinations of a number of factors, none of which is duplicated in anyone else.

Learning to appreciate we are not like everyone else and to understand that our differences from others does not make us or anyone else wrong, but just different is a very important step in making our world a safer and more peaceful place to live.

Valuing … respecting our differences, as well as our similarity in being unique creatures, is a huge step in making our world the safer and the most peaceful place we all want to live.

Hmmm, on that note, it is off to the pool I go in a few hours to recapture the new feeling I experienced during my last swim session when everything finally came together … speed, stroke, right and left breathing. Now I can begin to refine my form and build up my endurance so I will be ready this summer to be the swimmer and surfer I envision myself to be.

March 17, 2014

Kaitlin A. Trepanier
http://www.kaitlinatrepanier.com

All Rights Reserved by DARK HORSES PRODUCTIONS/KAITLIN A. TREPANIER … CREATIVE WRITER, ADVOCATE, and PROJECT SPECIALIST responsible for the creation of the global initiative Connecting the Dots … with The RESPECT PRINCIPLE … because every child … every person … should know, by their own experience, they are valued … RESPECTED.

Cats and dogs … the cost paid for our love … huge vet bills or neglect, abuse and euthanization

The facts and the story … we can do better!

According to statistics from the Ontario SPCA and other animal protection groups and service providers, thousands of cats and dogs are killed on purpose each year in shelters because of their sheer volume.

A volume created by cats and dogs not being spayed and neutered so they cannot have more unwanted babies that grow into the cats and dogs that have to be euthanized.

But kittens and puppies are cute. Many people want the cute babies … but not so much when they find out the commitment they need, the care, cost and training they need and of course, that cats and dogs, like people, lose their baby cuteness and the behavior and antics that once seemed cute and endearing are troublesome and are desired gone … and if they do not disappear as their owners wish, many of the cats and dogs are forced to disappear by being released in the country, dropped off at shelters, neglected, abused and even killed by their adoptive parent(s) or strangers.

Then there is the disparity between what veterinary clinics charge for spaying/neutering and what places like the SPCA charge. Vet clinic prices ranges start around $400.00, though locally, the total charge is even higher once all the other costs are added, but the SPCA offers the same service for $65.00 Canadian and additional costs are minimal in comparison to vet clinics. Even spending the dollars to get to their three locations in Barrie, Newmarket and St. Catharines is still less than half of driving a few miles or even thirty miles to nearby vet clinics.

It is ironic too, that many of the people who often need cats and dogs the most, are often those with little else in their lives, including money, but their cats and dogs.

I am writing this entry because of what I experienced in the past year and a half since I rescued an alley cat that found its way into my life one autumn night one and a half years ago when the seven-month old calico tomcat stood on his hind legs and reached up to me when I entered the basement of a place I was employed.

With a tiny thirteen-year old female cat at home, I was reluctant to take the alley cat home, but there he was. No one else wanted him, shelters were full and he was begging for a home. At the same time, most of my free time was consumed with my Dad’s care, as was my income, that was not fully supporting me and my Dad’s needs, so I did not have the money to have the tomcat fixed right away. But then, because he was not fixed, one horrific tom fight a few months later drove me to rush him into the vet clinic for an emergency appointment. A $300 invoice later with a quote for several hundred dollars more to be spent to neuter him, the escalating costs of being available for my Dad as well as the incredibly high hydro bills of this area, plus having to quit two jobs to be accessible for emergency care for my Dad has made it impossible for me to yet have the now two-year old tom neutered with the local high prices.

One day that will change and my tomcat will be a tom only in his dreams. It has been suggested I add his body to the pile of cats to be euthanized since no one else came forward to give him a home in response to my ads. It has been suggested, quietly and almost silently, that I set him free once again, since after all that is how he spent the first several months of his life. Even when I talk of how his companionship fills a void, how he loves to be near me, how he, along with my other furry friend, make me laugh and keep me company, there is talk of what a problem he is because he wants to be outside tomcatting.

But interestingly enough, no one from this area told me in the past year and a half when I had the resources and vehicle to take him to be neutered at the SPCA that the SPCA even offered this service for such a low-cost in comparison to local fees. So I am also writing this for all the cat and dog lovers in this area to inform them there is an alternative to adding yet another cat or dog to the feral cat and dog population or to the euthanized pile of bodies … with the request that when someone rescues an animal, adopts a new furry friend, tell them they have choices if financing the surgery may be too costly for them here. In fact, take one step further animal lover and drive the animal and its owner to one of the SPCA locations yourself. You will feel good about your good deed and you will prevent more cat and dog bodies from being abandoned, neglected, abused or killed because they are considered disposable because of our low RESPECT LEVEL for their lives.

March 15, 2014

Kaitlin A. Trepanier
http://www.kaitlinatrepanier.com

All Rights Reserved by DARK HORSES PRODUCTIONS/KAITLIN A. TREPANIER … CREATIVE WRITER, ADVOCATE, and PROJECT SPECIALIST responsible for the creation of the global initiative Connecting the Dots … with The RESPECT PRINCIPLE … because every child … every person … should know, by their own experience, they are valued … RESPECTED.

Truth or Deception? I would not change a thing because …

Many of have heard people say or perhaps we have said the words ourselves, “I would not change a thing in my life because of what I have learned and the results in my life now.”

I used to believe this too, though now I call this thinking a fallacy because of a question that arose … does this kind of thinking empower us to make our world and the world-at-large a better place so we all thrive? Or are we just continuing to accept this hand-me-down mentality and passing its limitations onto the next generations?

After considering this mindset extensively I realize this perspective is yet another deception the Disrespect Philosophy creates to keep us small, with little expectation or hope, repeating the past over and over, instead of empowering us to create significant lasting personal and cultural change.

I will give you my scenario and hopefully as you read this, you will consider yours … from both perspectives.

For years I thought all the very limiting and negative experiences my life was filled with were my fault … including the abuses I experienced as a child … for being misunderstood, different, pre-judged, starving for acceptance and as a result, vulnerable to people who prey, consciously or not, on the vulnerability of the broken-hearted and the broken-spirited with promises that eventually caused me great harm … the dangerous kind of harm that reduces a child’s, a youth’s, an adult’s RESPECT LEVEL to such a low-level one keeps attracting the same level of disrespect from others … reinforcing and reducing one’s RESPECT LEVEL that turns what started out to be a happy, loving being into a negative, frightened being who seeks to hurt first in relationships or runs away or uses habits as distractions.

Then being forced to make changes to survive, I then embraced the idea that I had to go through all I did in life so I could do what I am doing … advocating, writing, creating; however, based on an idea that grew into the premise, Connecting the Dots … with The RESPECT PRINCIPLE. As a result, now I know for years I was being deceived by our global Disrespect Philosophy or if you are a Christian believer, as I am again, you would say it was the Enemy. Because I know this now, I also know this fallacy created yet another deception … another fallacy … the one that still wants me to believe and reinforce by saying, “I would not change a thing in my life because of what I have learned and the results in my life now.”

For now I see through this veil of deception imprisoning most of us.

For in truth, if we lived in a global culture of “Respect for all life,” based on The RESPECT PRINCIPLE, we would bring children into a world where we would have made the “Respect Full” changes to ensure all children would not have to qualify or be approved of in order to receive healthy food, shelter, clothing, medicine, education and if not love, at least RESPECT, the simple recognition that they, as the unique individuals they are, are valued … are valuable … just for being who they are.

In my case, if my parents, family, school, community, province and country had a high enough RESPECT LEVEL for those more different from themselves, they would have sought to discover what personality type I was, what were my primary and secondary communicating and learning styles, what type of learning environment I needed to develop my own identity, boundaries and a healthy RESPECT LEVEL for myself, and as a result, for others, thereby developing to the best ability the social skills to interact well with the world in all my relationships.

But they did not know my personality type thrives on study, research, exploration and then lots of analysis, introspection, problem solving, and creativity. They did not know my personality type’s mind receives vast internal stimulation whereas the majority of people require external stimulation from the world around them to keep them engaged mentally and that when I am in the external world too long, I shutdown to protect myself. But of course, the irony is, shutting down and withdrawing from those people whose brains require vast external stimulation often, because of ignorance, misjudge and mistreat those who withdraw, often taking their withdrawal personally, which ultimately puts those trying to protect themselves in more danger.

They did not know how their ignorance and their demand for 100% conformity broke my heart and my spirit as well as contributed to the harm to my body … inflicted by others and my self because of my low RESPECT LEVEL for myself.

And this is where many people will say, “But look at what you have learned, who you have become … a writer, author, advocate and so much more,” but I say this now, “But look at how much more I could have given to the world, at what a better citizen, student, role model, wife, daughter, sister, friend, supporter, community member I could have been all my life … if I knew from experience I was valued and aided accordingly for who I was and for my unique gifts, talents and abilities. I tell you who I would have been, what I would have done, the life I would have lived … I would have been placed in a Montessori school where self-directed education is best suited for my personality type. I would have received an athletic scholarship for the physical prowess and stamina I inherited from both of my parents. Because of my natural desire to study, I would have a few degrees, would be a lifelong successful author, an altruistic entrepreneur and so much more. I would not have married twice because I would have made better choices for me because I would have known myself better and not tried to get my value through other people whether in relationships or work I did. I would have been more respectful of others … their feelings, their things and I would have enjoyed happier and healthier relationships with my family.

Though this is my story, this is also everyone’s story … just look at our world.

Now that my years of study, research, analysis and problem-solving have revealed the lies and deceptions for what they are, now I am being who I was destined to be, doing what I was destined to do, life is good and my life will one day reflect that good … but if I had grown up in a world with a higher RESPECT LEVEL, my whole life would have bore the fruit of being who I really am … all my life and not just in the last half of my life … and the world I was in contact with during my lifetime would have been better for that experience.

If I could, I would change almost everything about my life, starting with my early years, where in photos I find a happy, joyful, exuberant child ready to explore the world, but since I cannot do it over for me, I am dedicated to shedding the light on the darkness … on the lies and deceptions the Disrespect Philosophy, the Enemy have used to hold us as prisoners.

I hope and pray you will too … it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.

February 17, 2014

Kaitlin A. Trepanier
http://www.kaitlinatrepanier.com

All Rights Reserved by DARK HORSES PRODUCTIONS/KAITLIN A. TREPANIER, Getting YOU the RESPECT YOU Want … Connecting the Dots … with The RESPECT PRINCIPLE Author, Writer, Playwright, Poet, Lyricist, Artist, Advocate, Speaker, Researcher, Analyst, Developer, Project Specialist, Creative Director, Founder … because every child … every person … should know, by their own experience, they are valued … RESPECTED.